A good marriage would be between a blind wife and a deaf husband.
~ Michel de Montaigne
If you were looking at how to easily and quickly ruin your marriage you won’t be able to do much better than this. Conversely, if you’re looking for tips to save your marriage then dong the opposite of what is recommended here will be a sure fire way to a long, stable and happy marriage.
It is much easier to write about the positive things you can do to keep your marriage from hitting the rocks. But everyone does that.
No one is talking about how you can wreck your marriage. And there are tons of ways to do it. I’m just going to explore some of the better ways to end up in divorce court with Judge Dredd staring you down.
Listen, I’m an equal opportunity home wrecker which means that the strategies I’ll share with you on how to ruin your relationship and end up single and lonely as a senior pottering around in your retirement community wearing Depends will be equally viable whether you are a man or woman.
Glad we’ve got this out of the way. I know what I’m talking about because I was able to ruin one marriage. Nevertheless, it didn’t require all of the methods I’ll identify below, in fact, just a couple of them was all it took. So feel free to mix and match the following marital wrecking balls to best suit how quickly or horribly you want to ruin your life.
The choices as they say are yours and are wide open.
Sleep with your spouse’s best friend
I’m starting off with an easy soft ball. We all know this is a great way to ruin any relationship that should rather be saved. But if you want an easy way out, sleep with someone else other than your spouse.
This works equally well for both men and women. Generally, whenever you act unethically there is a really good chance that bad things will happen to you.
And well, when you’re cheating on your spouse you’re behaving unethically. In fact, if we can peek into those Sunday school classes you took when you were what… 8 years old, we’ll remember that the 7th Commandment is “Thou shalt not commit adultery”. Sleeping with someone other than your spouse when you are married is adultery.
Here’s what Merriam Webster defines adultery as: voluntary sexual intercourse between a married man and someone other than his wife or between a married woman and someone other than her husband…
Well played. Not only are you an adulterer, you have also likely ruined your marriage and you did it on the very first try with a soft ball!
If you really want to make this a whole lot messier and more convoluted you can sleep with your spouse’s opposite sex best friend. Let me explain. So you’re the husband in the marriage, well then, sleep with your wife’s best male friend. Now things are really good and twisted.
Though this will likely make things even more complicated and confusing. Your wife – in our example – might be more understanding, mostly brought on by confusion.
My best recommendation if you want to make it a quick and clean cut through the marital ties that bind. Do it with your wife’s best female friend. Vice versa if you are the wife.
Kick the dog
I’m an animal lover so if you kick the dog or the cat or even the pet mouse you’re outta here. Nothing riles me up more than cruelty to animals.
If you’ve married someone who is anywhere near worth marrying and keeping as a life partner, then kicking the dog when you come home mad at the world after a hard day’s work she’ll kick you to the curb.
This strategy though I’ve only seen work with the best most caring and worthwhile of spouses. So if your spouse is truly one in a million, a real gem that anyone would be proud to call as their life partner then using this technique to ruin your marriage will work like gangbusters.
However, if you are married just to an ordinary wife or husband then this might not work so well. Folks with more relaxed ethics or weaker backbones might allow you the odd indiscretion or the odd kick at the dog.
If that is the case you can ramp things up a bit by being a bit rough on the kids or even your spouse. Roughing them up a bit will ensure that most likely 1 in 2 or perhaps as high as 3 out of 4 marriages will end up in divorce. So you definitely have improved your odds of ruining your marriage if that is your aim.
Embezzle the family fortune and savings
This strategy is a great way to end up divorced while still having some fun. Kicking the dog isn’t fun, and let’s face it, most of us are animal lovers so we don’t want to do that.
Sleeping with our husband’s best friend is fun but also messy and God knows if he’ll take it the right way instead of thinking you want to marry that loser. No ma’am, besides which, adultery comes with the possibility of disease and all sorts of nasty germs.
Now embezzling the family fortune, that is a surefire fun way to end up in Judge Judy’s divorce court.
I mean think about it. You cash our all your spouse’s lifesavings and you head on over to Las Vegas or Mazatlan or perhaps even to Europe if you have that much money. More than that you travel first class all the way and you don’t tell your spouse where you’ve gone.
Imagine their face when they come home from a hard day’s work to find you nowhere to be seen. You might want to leave a little note just letting them know that you’ve broken open the joint savings account and splurged on a nice getaway for you and you alone.
This will help them to get over their original genuine concern that something unfortunate might have happened to you. You don’t want them worrying thinking you got into an accident or something.
No, not you. You want them to stew in anger and disappointment and misery while you’re off galavanting all over the world. The more you can achieve that aim, the better your chances are of getting ahead of the line at divorce court as soon as you come back from Europe with all of this year’s top fashions.
The lazy person’s guide to ruining your relationship
I call this the lazy person’s way to ruining a marriage because really it doesn’t take much imagination or effort.
All of the above strategies take some gaul, narcism and even some planning in order to achieve the end result which is to get yourself divorced.
This one is super easy, perhaps the easiest way to ruin a partnership and that’s why I’ve left if for last.
Basically, what you do with this strategy is just bend The Golden Rule. Just as a reminder, The Golden Rule is the one where it says that you should do unto others as you would have done unto you.
So just do the opposite of The Golden Rule. If you like to be hugged when you come home from a hard day at the office. Just do the opposite. Slap your spouse across the cheek. If you like to be listened to when you’re speaking during a conversation, just do the opposite. Interrupt as often as you can and talk only about yourself.
If you like your spouse to take care of his body and stay in shape and be well groomed… just do the opposite. Eat tubs of ice cream until you’re as large as a house and don’t shower or bath for weeks on end.
You get the idea. This is an easy approach to ending your great marriage that anyone can put into use right now.
If you want to end up lonely, bitter and a sad old man or woman who nobody cares to be around then I’ve just given the blueprint or the keys to that hovel. Now I make no guarantees about the success of these tips at ruining your specific marriage. I know they can only help, but your situation might be different and require more aggressive approaches to ruination.
Conversely, if you’ve read this far and appreciate the tone of jest in this article you can save your marriage by doing the opposite of all these things. A marriage takes time to get into trouble. It will take time to work out the kinks and learn to trust and love on another again.
But you can do it. Treat each other well. Be ethical in your dealings with everyone but especially your spouse. Honour them and treat them right and you’re well on your way to repairing any damage previously done!